KyleParkinson.com

Dear Splenda,

We used to have such sweet times together. What happened? I poured you in my coffee this morning, and you did nothing but sap the flavor, leaving me with a watery cup of caffeine. You know I’m a sucker for caffeine in any form, but come on, give me something here.

Is it because I went with Sweet n’ Low for a while? I mean, can you blame me? At least Sweet n’ Low had the decency to hang around when I moved across the country. Where were you the first two weeks I was in my new location? Did you think you could just take an extended vacation? That I would be too distracted by Taylor Ham to notice your absence?

Well, let me tell you something. Sweet n’ Low has been there for me, and our times together have been utterly sweet n’ high. That pretty-in-pink artificial sweetener has been my lifeblood, and frankly, you’re just not cutting it anymore.

Clean up your act, Splenda, and maybe we can talk someday. But until then, fuck off.

Bitterly,
KP